Having to deal with a narcissistic partner is akin to an action-packed roller coaster ride, only the ride is in your mind, and not in a fun way! The rapid ups, the sudden downs, and bursts of anxiety and nausea are all the same, over and over again, relentlessly. These emotions coalesce with feelings of impending psychosis, total confusion, and downright misery. It’s like torture of the soul. But all this can change when the person(s) on the receiving end comes to a place of understanding, realizing that they are not crazy, and are not the ones with a problem as they have been led to believe repeatedly.
Woe unto you if you decide to leave the narcissist, if you dare to free yourself from his powerful grip, if you dare to break free, spread your wings and fly…all hell breaks loose! He (or she) will sing on the mountain top how evil you are, how you don’t care about him(or her), how much they love you and you don’t see it, how much they do for you and you don’t appreciate it. They will talk to everyone and everything that can avail an ear how you are ungrateful and they will twist every situation to victimize themselves. Narcissists will exaggerate every single thing you have “done wrong”, (many times this is all in their minds), and make you out to be the most promiscuous blood sucking scum of the earth. In fact, you will be shocked by the things you hear about yourself!
Meanwhile, the narcissist will proceed to continuously give you a summary of what everyone is saying about you, based on his (or her) description of you and the circumstances that led to the separation (or should I say ‘escape’), to others, and how you are the cause of everything falling apart. The narcissist will NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER accept responsibility for his (or her) actions, even if he (or she) had literally put a gun to your head and threatened to pull the trigger, put a gun to your head and forced you to say “I love you” against your own will, forced you to do things you didn’t want to do, forced you to smile when you didn’t want to, forced you to smile when all you wanted to do was scream and wail from the pain in your heart and chaos in your mind. That’s a narcissist for you.
Now before you start thinking this is a feminist article, research shows that most narcissists are males. So ladies, MAKE A RUN FOR IT!! Below are a few tips to guide you on spotting a narcissist.
STRIKING GOOD LOOKS!
He will take time to look good!
and the life of the party, though some are quiet and “shy”. Whatever the case, they are very likeable.
or his way and no other way!
SUBTLY OR OUT-RIGHTLY EXHIBITS ARROGANCE.
Sometimes this arrogance comes out when a couple is alone and after being around each other for some time and his guard is down. After all, his friends aren’t around to witness it. And if they are, they will be clouded by his charisma.
He shows many colors. Those out there see one person, but the victim knows a totally different person.
CANNOT TOLERATE CRITICISM
and everything is about him, even when it is not. Post something on Facebook , he will be mad at you for talking ill ‘about him’. Talk about anything to anyone, and he will take it personally. This can bring a lot of confusion to the partner and has to always think twice before speaking lest she faces his wrath or third degree interrogation for God-knows-what. Half the time, she doesn’t know what hit her.
and believe they can do anything and are the best at everything. He can argue with a neurosurgeon about neurosurgery!
They are almost always promiscuous. Masters at this game. He can’t keep his zipper closed. Even if you are a Halle Berry or a Beyonce look-a-like, the best cook, the best everything, he’s gonna do it anyway. And guess what? It will be everyone else’s fault but his, even when you catch him with his pants down, and most likely you will be blamed for this “mistake” cause you said the wrong thing or smiled at some guy somewhere or didn’t give him enough attention or some other crazy irrational reason he will cook up. Worse, he can actually brag about his experience to you, and later claim you imagined that conversation.
He lies so much you can’t keep up. Everything he says you take with a pinch of salt. You even hear him lying to his friends or some other women about things he doesn’t need to lie about. He weaves a web of lies such that you get confused. He can convince you that you are the crazy one. He derives a lot of pleasure from this.
He can do it but you can’t.
He knows exactly what buttons to push and when, and if that doesn’t work, he could use sex to gain back control. This manipulator skill is used on just about everyone and this is how he convinces everyone else that he is the victim and he is “suffering”. By the time he is done, everyone is convinced his partner is the problem.
SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE AND INSENSITIVE
A good example, the couple go out, only for him to ditch her immediately they walk through the door. She doesn’t see him the rest of the evening, except when he is seated on the next table where the pretty skimpily-dressed young girls are as he does his rounds, completely “forgetting” that he was with his woman. Other people’s feelings are of no value to him. He may or may not buy his girl a drink but is happy to splash his wallet around for just about everyone else, after telling her at home how “broke” he is. He could be “sponsoring” a young college girl while his family is starving at home.
Another example, promise to marry you and convince you he will by doing everything right (or so your blinded self thought), only to suddenly make a disappearing act, leaving you high and dry years after you have been dating and committing yourself to him. Why? He is moving onto other things. He has managed to use and abuse you. He has had his fun, and now you have nothing left to offer. He never intended to marry you at all. It was just a game to him. Yeah you will be depressed and devastated but so what? You’ll get over it, or not.
to everyone about anything small that happens to him. This for me is one of the biggest red flags indicating a man to be cautious about and not only in the dating scene but even in business ventures. A whining male..Ugh!
NO REMORSE OR SHAME
for his mistakes. Narcissists are incapable of empathy.
The world rotates around him. His needs and wants come first, just like a 3 year old. And even if he seems to care about others or be generous and offer a shoulder to lean on, there is something he is gaining from it. He loves to hear how he is a nice guy, a funny guy, a generous guy, a friendly sweet guy. He thrives on this admiration. He actually NEEDS it, perhaps to validate himself and feel valuable. He also believes he is “IT”, that he is royalty and entitled to the best always and is furious if things don’t play out according to his desired outcome.
LOVE AND STRIVE FOR NICE MATERIAL ITEMS
He will walk into a shoe shop and ask “what’s the most expensive shoe you have here?” and rock the ‘sexiest’ car! Image is EVERYTHING to a narcissist. Thus, his woman is bound to be drop dead gorgeous, smart, the kind of woman that every man wants! The best there is!
about himself, his car, his girl/wife, his beautiful children, his prestigious job, his house, his property whatever he thinks is worth bragging about.
EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
Mind games run his show. He will say things just to get/evoke a reaction from you. He will play with your emotions like they are toys and have absolutely no remorse. At first you think it is kinda funny, but sooner rather than later, you get angry about it because it’s really not funny. And the angrier you get, the more you feed into his ego, the happier he is.
For example, he can tell you how many women want to be with him yet he is with you, you should feel privileged. That no one can love you like he can, and that he even wonders why you complain so much when he is out there. He can also tell you how everyone hates you.
Why? Just to make you feel like crap and worthless, because you didn’t do things the way he wanted them done, or you didn’t react when he got home late the other night with lipstick all over his shirt and trousers. He has to up his game and make you react. He has to break you to keep you dependent on him because he is the “only one who loves you”. They thrive on drama!
Of course this list is not exhaustive and neither is it one fits all, but this is a general guide based on many people’s experiences and on research. Break the silence on this issue and spare a young naïve lady the trauma that comes with dating such a person. Don’t be silent about it. The aftermath a narcissist leaves behind can and has brought many to the point of death. Let’s save a life.
My next article will explain the Narcissistic Personality Disorder in more detail. Please feel free to contact me for further clarification, and /or to share your thoughts. Sharing is caring!